Would you?

How much longer would anyone go if their spouse wasn't doing what is expected in a marriage? Day in and day out I pray that things will get better and they don't. The bills aren't getting paid and our mortgage is 3 months behind. I have a full time job and I pay everything but it's not enough to function on a daily basis. Would you take only so much and end it? I want to some days so bad. Today is one of those days.

The husband and I went to couples therapy yesterday and it was a waste. It felt like a waste anyway. I walked out of there feeling worst then when I walked in. He says he's going to do what is expected but I don't believe him. He needs a full time job but he doesn't want one. He's so passionate about tattooing. Hey I get it, it's what you love, but what about our marriage? I would think that would be a bigger deal than tattooing. I feel like I'm at the breaking point. Over 3 years of dealing with this shit. I think it's time for it to stop. I can't do it much longer. Would you?

M.

Used to care

I used to care about you…
I used to care about the way you treated me.
I used to care about the way you looked deep into my eyes like you knew what I was thinking.
I used to care about seeing you pull up in the driveway and it made my heart flutter.
I used to care about the way you kissed me and the way we made love.
I used to care about you…but now I could care less.

M.

Goals

I love them goals. The passion and the drive to go after them. I know everyday is a challenge to try and complete them but I will do it! My goal in life is to be successful. Whether that be in writing or something else I truly love. I think everyone should go for their goals, something they’ve always wanted. It could be something small or it could something huge.

I always wanted to travel the country. I never have but hoping I will someday. That is one goal I will strive to complete. Sell my house, buy an RV, grab my animals and travel. See all the places I’ve never been but always wanted to go. Doesn’t that sound amazing? I think so.

My ultimate goal is to be an accomplished writer. One day I’ll hope to be picked up by an agent but for right now I’ll settle for being an indie writer. I just love writing and putting my novels people’s hands. The feelings I get when I know that someone is reading my book is something I’ve never experienced. It makes me feel so good. Someone can be in a horrible mood and read one of my novels and instantly their mood changes. I love being the reason behind that.

Keep going after your goals and your dreams! You never know where they will lead you!

M.

Why

Why doesn’t he get it?! He drives me mad! The pain he puts me through and he thinks fine. It’s not fine! “It’s going to be okay,” he says. How do you figure? All the endless bills that are piling up. Dude won’t work a full time job no matter how many times I push him. How can a man, a so called man, let his woman be upset all the time. We’re about to lose our house, everything is about to be shut off and he could care less. I do have a full time job so I can take care of what I can at that time but it’s nearly not enough. How come he doesn’t get it? Can someone please explain to me?! 

M. 

Illusion 

Some days I can’t comprehend what happened to my marriage. One day it worked and the next it just stopped. I feel like I’m slowly going into a depression. My husband doesn’t see it like I see it. He thinks that it’s all sunshine and rainbows but I don’t see that at all. The reason I don’t see it, is because of him. He doesn’t have a steady job so the bills aren’t getting paid. He’s a tattoo artist on the side so that doesn’t really pay and if it does it’s a little bit of money. 

We went on a brief getaway to the house where we had our honeymoon to try and get back the flame that is lost. While we were there, we couldn’t stop fighting. I cried a bunch and told him how I felt. I just wanted to tell him, “look it’s not working,” but I couldn’t bring myself to say that. We tried to get a long as much as possible but was very unsuccessfull. When we got back we went back to our regular lifestyle and fell back into things. I then told him we should go to therapy. Then he said, “I thought we were good.” Hey just because I’m nice to you doesn’t mean that our marriage is working. Is it me or are men just stupid? Or shall I say some men. 

I’m just tired of feeling depressed and I’m tired of worrying if we’re going to pay our mortgage all the time. I don’t see how he doesn’t understand that. I also do everything around the house. For example, I clean the house, I mow the front and back lawn, I clean out the cat boxes just to name a few. It’s just getting old. Tomorrow is our 3 year wedding anniversary and I don’t feel like celebrating at all. 

Half there…

I’m trying….everyday I’m trying. As I sit here and I write this I find myself hating my life more and more. The way it’s become it’s just devastating. I feel like my marriage is just an inch away from being a disaster. I’m truly unhappy and I can’t seem to find myself. I want to start writing my next novel and I’m at a loss of words. I have many ideas but I can’t write them down. It’s like something is absorbing my soul and sucking the life out of me. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. Maybe it’s time I put my marriage to rest. Every time we see each other I just want to scream at him and fight with him and when we’re away from each other I miss him. What kind of shit is that? I feel like that’s a bipolar love connection. 

Some days I sit and I want to cry but I can’t even bring myself to tears. I’m constantly ready to just pack up my shit and leave. But where would I go and where would I take myself. I don’t have the friends who can take me in. So I’m literally stuck. Plus I have all my animals I need to take care of because God forbid he lift a finger to do that. Okay I said enough for tonight. Until next time!

M. 

Why not

Writing for a living is a struggle, well for me it is. I’m trying to do it for a living and well it’s not turning out very well. Writing takes structure and words and well thought out planning. You give your life to it and what do you get in return? Nothing really, I mean yeah the desire that you wrote this piece of art and you let everyone read it. Words that pour from your soul onto a piece of paper. Some people don’t even care about it. They look at it and go eh and that’s it. I’m hoping for more then that. 

Have you ever seen Girl Boss? I want that life. The life where you don’t care what people say, you’re going to do it anyway and your way. If writing makes me happy so be it, I want to be happy! I want to be my own boss, I want to write and sell my books. I want to wake up each morning knowing that somewhere in the world there is someone reading my book. That shit makes me happy and there is no one that can tell me otherwise. So thanks to everyone who purchased my novels and to those who read it. You are the best people in this world because you’re a passionate reader and you took the time out of your busy life to read the words that I wrote! I appreciate YOU! 

Don’t take shit from anyone! You do what you want to do!

M. 

Trying

I don’t know what else I could possibly do but today I just feel worthless. I feel downright depressed. I’m trying to be the best novelist that I can be but sometimes it’s so hard. I write and I write and I think it’s great, but then I’m like this isn’t working at all. I am a self-published author on Amazon and on Smashwords. I would rather be with a real publisher but these days it almost seems impossible. I will tell you why:

  1. Both my novels are not selling.
  2. I wrote almost 60 agencies in the area, including MA and CA and I’m still getting rejected and some won’t even get back to me. That is A LOT of agencies and not one wants to pick me up. It’s disheartening and truly discouraging.
  3. Maybe my novels stink and they don’t want anything to do with it. Or maybe I’m writing horrible queries, either way I’m like super upset about it.

My passion is writing and it’s what I want to do for the rest of my life. I just want to be successful at it!

M.

Sick

I’m so sick of shit! I feel sick to my stomach and just sick of how things are going in my life. Granted my writing is going fairly well, that’s basically all that is going well. My marriage is the pits and I hate my job. I know I have the power to change all of these things, so why don’t I? I think it’s because I’m comfortable, that’s just who I am. I am told that because I’m a Scorpio that I’m a fixed sign. Which means it’s hard for me to change. Maybe that’s true, I really don’t know. I just want to be happy again, I feel like I lost myself along the way. When exactly did I lose it? I’m not sure, to be honest it seems like a long time. 

Going to the psychic maybe wasn’t the best thing for me. Yes I’m happy she told me I will be successful but telling me that my marriage is going to fail, maybe that wasn’t so great. Now I’m waiting for it, looking for it. I cause arguments that shouldn’t even happen. It got into my head and I can’t get it out. I’m trying to let it go but it’s there. I really can’t help it. She also said that I won’t be successful until he’s out of my life. So what does that mean, I have a choice? I have to either leave him and becomes successful or if I stay with him I won’t make it? That’s really difficult don’t you think? I mean who says that? I don’t know too much in my head. 

I’m praying and hoping for a phone call one day or an email telling me, “hey we love your work and we want to represent you.” That would be amazing and maybe that would put the spark back into my life. Here’s to praying and hoping!

M.