I find myself rather pissed off today and at my significant other. I feel like I’m always mad at him regardless of what he’s done. More days then not I find myself hating him and wishing he were elsewhere. He’s not doing what a responsible adult is supposed to be doing. I am not sure how much more I can take. Everyone around me doesn’t understand why I’m with him. I tell you its a mixture of different things of why I’m with him. We’ve been together for 6 years and I’m comfortable. I know that’s a stupid reason of being with someone but a lot of you know what I’m talking about. Secondly, its this stupid thing called love. Yes I still love the guy. It doesn’t make sense but I do. I wish I didn’t some days. Thirdly, I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I know he loves me more than anything on this planet, except for possibly tattooing, so I know I would hurt him.
I just don’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to make your spouse happy. If they ask you repeatedly to do something, then they should do it. I’m assuming most of you don’t know what I’m talking about. Let me fill you in.
My husband works two part time jobs. He used to work a full time job but then found tattooing as a job. He decided to cut his full Time job to part time and we’ve been struggling ever since. All because he wants to carry on his dream. This has been going on for over 4 years. So I’ve been extremely unhappy and stressed for 4 years. I tell him time and time again that we need more money but he wont work more hours or go back FT. I’m stuck paying all the bills, including our mortgage, which we are currently 3 months late paying for.
Right now our phones are shut off. All because he wanted a damn iPad so our bill went up. Okay so I got one too, but mine is the cheap one. He wanted the big expensive one. So now our cell phone doubled in size. I’m just beyond frustrated. We were going to even try for a baby. At this point, I’m not sure if its a good idea. I feel like I hate him more then I love him.
It’s been awhile since I actually wrote on this blog because I’ve been super busy with my other blog. Today I write because I have something I need to share.
I have a crush. What married woman has a crush on someone else? This is just nuts. This person is sixteen years younger then me. I didn’t realize it at the time because they honestly look to be around the same age as me. I met this person at my second job working part time. He’s actually engaged to someone else and has a baby. Don’t worry I’m not looking to destroy anything, it’s just a crush and it will go away.
I don’t understand why I have these feelings though. Maybe because my main job I work around Women and I don’t really work closely with anyone. I’ve always been a guys girl. Never really had any girlfriends, I was more friends with guys. Maybe because I had three brothers I don’t know, but it was always this way. When I started this job I was trained by this person and we got close. So we spent a lot of time together. I’m not sure what this means to feel this way. I’m confused and it has me thinking.
So I wrote this blog today because I wanted to talk about it. Maybe get some feedback to what others thought.
I’ll be at the Bensalem branch next Saturday!! I can’t wait and I hope to see you there ❤️❤️
As most of you know I’m a writer, a novel writer. I love doing it and it makes me super happy. I can finally get my thoughts out there and write about it and make it into a story. However, I don’t make much money from it because it’s self-published. You don’t really make money from that unless you’re well known. I am doing expos to get my books out there so that’s at least something. I do have another blog site which holds all my information about my books authormelissarosebushey.wordpress.com. Anyways I’m writing today because it has been awhile and I feel like I’m stuck in life. My husband and I are still together and we’re struggling to make ends meet. He works a part time job and he works as a tattoo artist, which he really doesn’t make enough money. I do work full time and write novels on the side.
I decided to get a part time job but I’m frustrated by it because I am tired. I work full time and by the end of the day I’m exhausted. I don’t have time to write because now I have to work a part time job. I don’t want to stand on my feet for five hours after I worked eight hours. He on the other hand only works three days a week and then works at a shop just sitting there. Doesn’t he owe me a full time job? I feel like men in this generation are downright lazy. My brothers, (which I have have three of them) two of them are completely lazy. They’re in their thirties and forties. They don’t work and don’t have a house. They still live with mommy and daddy. So I ask what is wrong with men in this generation?
I don’t want to work a part time! I don’t think it’s fair because I already work so hard already. I do everything around the house and I pay all the bills. God forbid if I say something to my husband he’ll throw a temper tantrum like he’s a child. I know, why did I marry a child? Well I didn’t know he was like that at the time I married him. It seems he grew into a child the moment we said I do.
What would you do in my situation? Any advice would be great.
I think life would be so much easier if things were better in my life. I feel like I can’t write as much because of the way things are going in my life. I know some people say ‘hey writing can help when you’re pissed off,’ but for me I don’t feel that way. I don’t even think about writing and if I do I automatically stop. One day I hope to achieve my goals as a writer. I know I’m a step closer because of writing two novels and that’s an amazing accomplishment and huge life goal for me.
I want romance, the kind of sweep me off my feet love. I’m with my husband who doesn’t do that at all and I honestly don’t even feel that way anymore. Our relationship is a huge strain and he doesn’t even listen to anything I say or ask. I don’t know how much more I can take in all honesty. I don’t really want him sexually anymore. I lost interest a long time ago and I think it’s because I resent him, which stems from a long time ago. So why stay in this marriage? I ask myself this all the time. Every singe day. I think love plays a major role in this. I love him yes but I’m not sure I’m in love with him anymore. I also would feel bad for ending it, I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I know, I know that’s a terrible reason to stay with someone. We tried therapy and he lied to me and the therapist to both our faces. I should’ve given up right then and there. This isn’t working and I see it. I don’t get how he doesn’t.
A few years ago before I got married I was a stressful mess. I was so worried about money and about paying for the wedding my husband and I were going to have. 6 months before I got married something happened to me that freaked me out. I started having heart racing. I went to the ER and they said it was just stress. They gave me something to calm down and sent me home. A couple days later it returned again. I would be up half the night freaking out which made the heart racing even worse. One morning I called my mom and told her I needed to go back to the ER. We went and this time they kept me over night. They did all these tests on me and determined the issue was stress/anxiety again. They said I need to stop drinking caffeine and relax. They gave me Xanax and sent me home the next day.
My point of this story is that here it is a few years later and I haven’t had any issues with the heart racing since. I started doing yoga three years ago and because of that I think it played a major part in helping me with my stress. In yoga we started this thing called alternate nostril breathing. It’s when you hold your thumb to one nostril and you inhale in the other nostril and then you exhale. Then you repeat on the other side, close the other nostril and inhale and exhale. When I did this it really helped me. If I start getting an episode which I rarely do, I do this and it really helps. I actually swear by it.
Anxiety and panic attacks are no joke! I would do anything or try anything to help me out!
Writing the perfect ad for your book is hard. I’ve been trying to come up with something for both of my novels for an ad and to be honest I’m having a hard time because you want your book to sell. What sells your book? A very well thought out ad. Something that catches the eye and draws you in. I must’ve changed the ad a gazillion times to try and get it right in my ear. I would run it over and over with my husband and he’s like yea try this or yea that sounds good. It’s really hard but it needs to be done. It’s my lively hood so I want to do right by it.
My first novel has a lot of sex, rape, love, & lesbianism in it. I know some of that is controversial but hey it’s what’s on my mind. People like to read that shit!
My second novel is about a girl that dies and comes back to life seeing spirits. Nothing like the first one but I like different! Wait until the sequel comes out.
Hopefully the ads work for both on Goodreads. Look me up if you haven’t already.
M. Rose Bushéy
How much longer would anyone go if their spouse wasn't doing what is expected in a marriage? Day in and day out I pray that things will get better and they don't. The bills aren't getting paid and our mortgage is 3 months behind. I have a full time job and I pay everything but it's not enough to function on a daily basis. Would you take only so much and end it? I want to some days so bad. Today is one of those days.
The husband and I went to couples therapy yesterday and it was a waste. It felt like a waste anyway. I walked out of there feeling worst then when I walked in. He says he's going to do what is expected but I don't believe him. He needs a full time job but he doesn't want one. He's so passionate about tattooing. Hey I get it, it's what you love, but what about our marriage? I would think that would be a bigger deal than tattooing. I feel like I'm at the breaking point. Over 3 years of dealing with this shit. I think it's time for it to stop. I can't do it much longer. Would you?
I used to care about you…
I used to care about the way you treated me.
I used to care about the way you looked deep into my eyes like you knew what I was thinking.
I used to care about seeing you pull up in the driveway and it made my heart flutter.
I used to care about the way you kissed me and the way we made love.
I used to care about you…but now I could care less.
I love them goals. The passion and the drive to go after them. I know everyday is a challenge to try and complete them but I will do it! My goal in life is to be successful. Whether that be in writing or something else I truly love. I think everyone should go for their goals, something they’ve always wanted. It could be something small or it could something huge.
I always wanted to travel the country. I never have but hoping I will someday. That is one goal I will strive to complete. Sell my house, buy an RV, grab my animals and travel. See all the places I’ve never been but always wanted to go. Doesn’t that sound amazing? I think so.
My ultimate goal is to be an accomplished writer. One day I’ll hope to be picked up by an agent but for right now I’ll settle for being an indie writer. I just love writing and putting my novels people’s hands. The feelings I get when I know that someone is reading my book is something I’ve never experienced. It makes me feel so good. Someone can be in a horrible mood and read one of my novels and instantly their mood changes. I love being the reason behind that.
Keep going after your goals and your dreams! You never know where they will lead you!